


Spoon Fed Bribes

by Jokess



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe: Felt Heiress Jane, Forks Over Bribes Universe, Kidnapping, Mobsters, Multi, Revenge Kidnapping, not actually dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24820177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jokess/pseuds/Jokess
Summary: Jane Crocker, still a dutiful follower to her grandmother's wishes, brings the fearsome claws of the Midnight Crew to her.Slick and Droog are angry, The Felt are not so panicked, Jane is, still having a great time. She has these two mobsters wrapped around her little fingers.
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Diamonds Droog, Jane Crocker/Diamonds Droog/Spades Slick, Jane Crocker/Spades Slick
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2
Collections: Homestuck Polyswap 2020 - Derse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dragoneisha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragoneisha/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Forks Over Bribes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17510063) by [Dragoneisha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragoneisha/pseuds/Dragoneisha). 



Crowbar, Sawbuck, Die, Quarters, and Clover were as good a set of choices for a rescue party as they were a kidnapping force. As luck would have it, they were also a pretty solid party for the most challenging part of this mission: Keeping anyone from discovering that she, the Felt heir Jane Crocker, had kidnapped Spades Slick and Diamonds Droog, leader and right hand of the Midnight Crew.

Jane didn’t believe she could keep the information from Scratch, the coy bastard always knew what was up, but she could hold out hope. Plus, she’d brought him a gift, weeks before (but not many) when she’d first concocted and hatched this plan. The gift had been part of the plan, but a perilous gamble. If the gift worked, she’d be a loud terror and snarling constant to Snowman’s quiet fright and imposing intensity. If it didn’t work, she wouldn’t be seeing much of that terrifying woman, and since there was only one reason she would stay, such a loss would bring down the wrath of the Felt leader on her head. And then on the rest of her soft body. Jane knew she wouldn’t care for that, though she’d bet her considerable fortune he’d never lay a finger on her. Scratch do the dirty work? Hah, not when he had considerable resources, power, and influence to get men almost as terrible as he was to do it for him. She’d shuddered to think of the state she’d be left in if she was even left alive, were her gamble to fail

Fortunately, the plan worked. Unfortunately, Jane was sure she’d see entirely too much curling ram’s horns paired against flawless black carapace in the months to come because it was; see horns or see a very naked, very beautiful, very salacious troll lady’s everything. And she’d thought Slick’s dick had been  _ something.  _ At least it had matched his carapace color and not invited thoughts a darker red than any red light district. Ideas that matched the color of her  _ whatever trolls called their junk _ and would have been much more welcome had she not been trying to kidnap her gangsters. Black was the only color she’d allow to stain her panties, and only if her boys were well behaved since she had not yet forgiven either of them for ruining the pair she’d worn. And after complaining about it no less! When they’d been the ones to kidnap her for reasons she still didn’t know. Okay, so Droog had been the only one to complain, and Boxcar had done the actual kidnapping, but Slick was their leader, and he was a nasty, terrible man. She had a right to still be cross even if she had gagged him with the same pair of ‘not good quality’ panties he’d gotten his cum on

At least she was well on her way to forgiveness. Weeks of carefully planning revenge had a way of softening the edges of even faux outrage. It was almost cathartic, and she wasn’t even furious. If being a detective weren’t so much fun, she might have considered psychology if she could plot fantastical revenge with her clients. 

Jane pulled her thoughts from relishing time spent with a bunch of chaotic leprechaun men. She had two chaotic Dersite carapacian men wrapped around her little fingers, and they’d been left wanting long enough. Sure, they could keep longer, even they weren’t so foolish as to cause too much of a scene so soon in the Felt manor, but Jane wasn’t going to risk them starting without her. They had already done that once when they’d left her handcuffed to a cot, and this time she was calling all the shots, not just 75% of them.

Okay, maybe 98% of them, she wouldn’t mind too terribly if they made out without her. She’d missed the show the first time, and better Droogs non-lips be shredded off his face than her own. She would see how things went. 

She opened the iron door with the little slat she’d had installed on the safe side of the mansion for just this occasion. She’d put a bright, baby blue curtain in front of it and everything, so much better than green or white and even black.

Slick and Droog said  _ fuck. _


	2. Chapter 2

Jane had provided them much better accommodations than they had provided her. Someone who had no sense might have said it was because she was too sweet. Someone wasn’t either Slick or Droog; otherwise, they’d have gotten their faces broken since they lacked the nose for a proper job. Instead, after the snarled invective from Slick and the sighed one from Droog, Slick continued hissing and snarling curses in a mix of English and the chittering language of carapaces, and Droog coughed politely as if trying to bring her attention to a piece of broccoli in her teeth.

She stood across from the sparsely decorated room, dark green wallpaper, a thick white carpet, a single thin mattress stuffed into the corner, and haphazardly sat on an industrial steel bed frame to which Slick and Droog had been tied. The braided metal chain looked almost delicate, like chunky jewelry, but held stronger than any rope. Tied around their outer hand, there was about a foot of length they could move with. Slick was using every inch of that foot straining to get to her. Thrashing and twisting against its pull, he kept yanking Droog from sitting since she’d also cuffed them together. He didn’t seem to notice or mind. Jane knew differently, she could see the tightness around his mouth and frustration in his gaze. Quite a trick without both lips and pupils, but perhaps Droog had practiced it like she practiced her smiles.

Or maybe almost having his arm pulled off was just that frustrating when she was standing naked before them. Droog had a clothing kink, and she denied him that. Not that he didn’t appreciate her naked, he was staring at her and made no secret of it. Why bother being polite when he was a prisoner and had done more than see her naked. Or so Jane assumed, she couldn’t read his mind.

She clapped her hands over her breasts, they were very nice breasts if she did say so herself, plump like the rest of her and oh so lovely to play with, but not yet. “Oh, did I forget to put on clothes again? How embarrassing, whatever shall I do?” She drew her hands down her boobs, fingers dragging against her skin as she outlined the curve of them. “I don’t suppose one of you would be kind enough to lend me your shirts? No, of course not. No matter, I’ll just take it for myself.

Head held high and haughty, she strode up to the still snarling Slick, he really was almost feral wasn’t he, grabbed him by the collar of the shit which wouldn’t really fit her and yanked. Already at the end of the chain, he was pulled off balance but was quick to recover it thanks to Droog, who pulled hard on his end of the cuffs to steady his boss. She paid him no mind as she pulled a dagger from her specibus, one borrowed from Dirk’s collection rather than purloined from Slick, and sliced it through the back of the black button-up he wore without any regard to his back. He was the one who liked to be broken, and it wasn’t like carapacians bled. At least not from having their eponymous carapaces sliced open. 

"Thank you.” She sent him reeling back with a hard shove and pulled on the torn shit like it was a jacket. It was several sizes too small, but her arms fit, and she could pull the torn edge partially over her boobs, that was good enough,

“There, now that’s much better. I’m afraid my pants will be a much tougher matter though, your pants were entirely too difficult to get off the first time and didn’t fit besides. Their quality was subpar too, I’d have expected better of you.”

“Not my pants,” Droog replied since her complaint had been directed at him even though it had been Slick’s slacks she’d absconded with. Slick said nothing, though he regarded her with a wicked gleam in his eye she’d never seen before. It caused a shudder to roll down her spine which had nothing to do with fear.

Okay, maybe it had a little something to do with fear, she could see how he’d clawed his way to the top of the Midnight Crew with an expression like that.

“Sit on my dægus, and I’ll consider giving you Droog’s.”

With a start, Jane realized she’d never heard Slick speak so calmly before. He’d always spat his words or snarled them out like they were physically painful to keep locked away. She could still hear that in his voice. It was rough around the edges, a little hoarse, and even carried an edge of every hard word he’d ever snarled. After another start, she realized he’d definitely called the tapered, segmented, and not quite insectoid dick he had something that wasn’t dick or bulge. She hadn’t caught what, though the word tickled like one caught on the tip of her tongue.

Pulling her wits about her after a moment too long, she could feel the smugness for the point well earned radiating from both her captives, she nodded. “Yes, I believe that could be arranged.”

The double-take both of them took showed she had earned her point back quick as she’d lost it. And since she’d gotten one early when walking in, she was still up by one. Not that she’d needed them, she’d been the winner of their little game ever since she’d wrapped them around her little fingers. She only played along because they’d yet to realize they lost. Silly men.


	3. Chapter 3

“Well, what are you waiting for? Take off your pants.”

Much to Jane’s gratitude, Slick started to do precisely that.  
Much to her amusement, so did Droog.

“I didn’t mean you, mister! I have other plans in store for you.”

Plus, she couldn’t take Droog’s dick and Slick’s. Well, not without prep, like she’d done last time. She really had been fortunate that he’d been comfortable for her. She wouldn’t be so fortunate again, especially since she was certain no one was going to let her get the lube she’d stored in the handy little hidden compartment built into the bed frame.

“It’s way past time you found out what my tongue can do to you. So if you don’t kneel for me right now, I shan’t sit my muff on your boss’s dick, and it will be all your fault.”

She was practically spoon-feeding them easy bribes here, but oh well. She was a busy girl who could be walked in on at any time by a house full of leprechauns. Or worse, Snowman. If anyone could break Slick just as he pleased, it was her. Jane had a feeling she already had, that was why Scatch brought her here. So it was really in her best interest to get on with this. She could take her time next time when she let herself be kidnapped. Because, of course, these two would try. Their pride and lust both wouldn’t allow for any less. This was going to be an exciting little game, she was sure. One she intended to make time for between being Midnight City’s greatest detective. A girl had to have her priorities, after all.

Droog looked like he was about to argue, but a slew of snarled clicks and hisses she swore she was starting to understand stopped his mouth mid-word. Or maybe it was that wicked look in Slick’s eyes again. The one Jane thought explained his barely contained rage rather than defy it.

“I’ll take that as a yes?”

She didn’t blink at the double death glare both of them shot her. Both because she wasn’t afraid and because Droog was already moving to kneel. Between the handcuffs and the chains, he had to maneuver carefully or risk Slick’s wrath. He managed well enough, only getting yanked twice and cursed at once. He’d probably have been stabbed too, Slick had such a fondness for it, judging from how he slashed at the air. She wasn’t going to be returning his weapon to him directly, that was for sure.

“Now,” She began as she stepped across the room. Much to her non-surprise, the moment she was within Slick’s reach, he grabbed her waist with sharp claws and yanked. She could have resisted, could have broken his grip. Sure, her hips would look like they’d been ravaged by a large, feral cat, but she had Stitch’s assurance that she’d be fixed up soon as she was hurt. 

She didn’t break his grip, she pushed into it and shoved him hard by the shoulders. He jerked back, and his head slammed against the wall with a satisfying thunk and crackle. She’d broken carapace, but that was hardly a concern; their heads were so thick that a crack in their exo-skeleton was a lesser injury than a broken limb. He wasn’t even concussed, judging from how he immediately flew back at her, spittle flying from his mouth as he tried to grab. She simply stepped back, pulling out of his reach at the last moment. He hit the end of his tether and, like all the times before, was pulled off balance back into place. Now, this was how you made a hostage, whether they were really a hostage or not.

“You’re about to lose your sitting privileges.” She smacked him over the head with her open palm. She’d have preferred her spoon, but she’d already promised herself she’d save that for his ass, and she was not going to let herself down.

“Let him flirt, it’s easier.”

Huh, so that was what he was doing. Jane couldn’t say she was surprised, it was just exciting to have been confirmed by Droog.

“I don’t remember putting you in charge, you keep your mouth shut until I say so.”

“Or what? You already threatened me with your best hand.”

“That was me being merciful. If I wasn’t so kind, it’d be your dick I sat on while I left Slick wanting. And, for the record, no, that is still not my best hand, but you won’t be getting a peek at that until after I’ve ridden you to completion because I won’t need it.”

Droog looked like he was about to argue, so she pressed her foot against his straining hard-on, covered again since he’d pulled up his pants at some point, and dug in. Not enough to hurt, she was only cruel when she wanted to be, but enough the message got across immediately. He shut his mouth and shot her a glare.

“There, now where were we. Ah right. Slick, you heard me, now sit.”

Slick, who had never stopped trying to tear her limb from limb, despite not having the reach for it, snarled at Droog as if in argument. He made a series of clicking sounds back, and yes, she swore she could almost understand a noise or two, before shooting Slick a looks she couldn’t parse, but she’d bet her fortune it was the same look he’d used right before he’d tossed his boss head over heels at her for a toss in the hay.

Whatever the look meant, it worked. Slick settled back onto the bed and spread his legs. Despite all the kerfuffle, he was still hard. Jane wondered if that was an unfortunate perk of anatomy or if he was really getting off to all this fighting. She’d have thought the former, but Drood was still aroused, and she’d bet dollars to donuts his interests didn’t alight quite like that. She’d have time to figure it out later.


	4. Chapter 4

Jane sat on Slick’s dick as proper and prim as she knew how. Or, at least as prim and proper as was possible when she took it in one sitting. Its breadth was still familiar to her, still a comfortable intrusion. She breathed a happy sigh as she squeezed around it, earning another round of snarls from Slick. To his credit, though, he didn’t try to yank his arm off to get some manner of leverage. Maybe it was because she had him length deep into her, but she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was keeping his hands off after all.

Wait, no, scratch that. Literally. Both clawed hands were tearing at her hips, her back, her shoulders, her hair, and everything else in between. Some things would never change, it seemed. Jane didn’t have it in her to be disappointed, not when Stitch was fixing up her scratches almost quicker than she could earn him. She couldn’t let him get too cocky.

She lifted her hips, oh so careful to stay positioned lest she’d fuck the wrong entrance onto Slick’s delightful dick, then gently slammed back into him and squeezed her muscles tight.

She wouldn’t say his dick twitched inside her muff, the sensation wasn’t human enough for that, but it was a cousin. Maybe even a close cousin judging by the loud curses spat at her as he dropped his hands. He was learning, that was so...cute.

Before she could think any other strange thoughts, a cough that was more clearing of the throat alerted her to the fact she’d been neglecting the other half of her hostess duties. How very naughty of her.

“I haven’t forgotten you Mr. Droog, your boss is just demanding more of my time, you should really speak to him about that.”

Jane turned her attention to him. As she’d thought, having him kneel put his head at eye level while she sat on Slick. Well, maybe he was more squatting than kneeling, but it had the same spirit!

“He said I had to keep my mouth busy some other way so he could have the attention he demanded.”  
  
“I suppose I shouldn’t let you disappoint him then.” She kissed him then, eager and hungry for his dastardly tongue. Oh, the things she’d let it do to her. The things she had allowed it to do to her. Just the thought was enough to send a warm shiver into her pit. She let it roll through her, let it rock her body on the dick trapped inside her. It did that  _ not twitching _ thing again and, oh, it was just so lovely. Jane sighed with the feeling which, not so coincidentally, opened her mouth for Droog to take.  
  
Take it, he did. Jane’s entire mouth was flooded with the wrestle of his tongue. It licked against her, seeking out every inch as if he’d never tasted her before. He had, so it had no right to be such a hot fucking kiss, but the only complaint she gave was to suck on his tongue as a demand for more. Breathe? Who needed to do that. Certainly not Jane Crocker, as many of her corsets would attest. Maybe she’d wear one for him, just to get his goat. And perhaps he’d rip it to shreds, so she had one less to wear. But mostly because her soft body all trundled up would catch his ire, definitely.  
  
She draped her hands around his lanky shoulders and pulled him in close as Slick bucked hard into her. He hit just the right spot at that moment. She moaned into his mouth, quivering and shaking head to toe. That only spurred Slick on more. Droog too. He was almost attacking her mouth, entirely on purpose she knew, with his tongue and not lips. He was sealed against her, his tongue licking far back as he could reach. She swallowed against it, sucking and teasing while Slick hit that same fucking spot. She could see why he was the resident stabber, he was very good at it in more than one way!

Jane shifted on his lap to better spread her labia again and maybe to give Slick some friction. Possibly. Not that she’d admit it even though the shifting also brought her close. The familiar tingle of completion was drawing near. It was almost too bad, she was nowhere near done kissing Droog yet.  


He’d pulled back, for now, slowing down the pace to something less desperate and heated, but still damned hot. Huh, when had that happened? No matter, it was easy enough to fix. She kissed him back, taking advantage of space between breaths to press her tongue into his mouth for a taste.

But a taste was all she got before he bit her tongue. Naughty!

She pulled back with a surprised yelp and, in the process, sat her butt down as Slick rolled into her muff again. The combination was enough to careen her over the edge. Shaking and shuddering through the feeling of being taken by the ocean, Jane could only wonder if Droog had somehow timed that. The smirk she could feel pressing against her lips suggested that to be sure.  
  
As she gathered her senses once more, she found herself dripping. Now, she may have hit orgasm hard, but she didn’t leak that much even at her wettest. Slick must have come when she’d come undone.  _ Ugh, _ that was one thing she could do without. She’d have to make even better use of Droog’s mouth next time, perhaps even the best.  
  
“Well then, that’s enough of hosting you boys for one day.” She pulled herself off Slick and broke the kiss in such a proper way that even the fussiest of traditions would have been proud, save for the whole, just fucked and made out with the Felt’s arch-rivals bit of course.   
  
“I’ll see you in a couple weeks, toodles.”   
  
She waggled her fingers at them as she exited the room. Someone in her kidnapping crew would see them out before the hour was out, but they didn’t know that, so the last thing she heard was another  _ chorus of fuck _ . 

**Author's Note:**

> Dragoneisha had the right idea, It is very sexy to write in this AU. So sexy I just had to try to write in the same style as homage.
> 
> dægus is taken from the word taken word aedeagus, the term for what loosely can be thought of as the dick of male arthropods.


End file.
